it's too nice tonight to be asleep

it's too nice to be inside...for that matter

the sky is full of stars. if it were up to me; I'd turn off every outside light in this neighborhood and just watch the clouds slowly glide by. that might be the only thing i wouldn't like about living in a large city w/ tall buildings and sky-lines...

they would take all the beauty out of the night sky.

I can hear everything so clearly. The sound of my fingers typing on this laptop. the sounds of all the crickets and other bugs. and i can even hear the one sound of whatever animal freaks you out @ night cause you don't expect it. is that an owl? perhaps.

I can even hear the cars off in the distant that are on 96.

i turned off my porch light. and the garage lights as well. not a bright idea. my laptop screen is attracting all the bugs now.

Well. On to point of this blog i guess.

Every time i look up @ the night sky...and see stars just doing their jobs, i think about a song i wrote a llllooonnnggg time ago. might be the one of the first songs i ever wrote for the opposed. ("slow to speak" @ the time...for those of you keeping track or just wanting to know some opposed history) A song called "Bright Mistakes".

i'm going to type out the lyrics as best as i can remember them. and if, by all means, you want to skip this part...you can...trust me...won't hurt my feelings.

"Tell me how could this be
When you're up there and i am way down here
I'm just trying to find my place
in this life that's not perfect...i've made my mistakes

But yet this ground i stand on...holds me down

you don't hold...all of my bright mistakes....my bright mistakes against me

if i let them go, will they all fall down?
or will i see your hand erase the sky tonight?
or just wish on a shooting star for tomorrow to come

But yet this ground i stand on...holds me down

you don't hold...all of my bright mistakes....my bright mistakes against me

When looking @ the night sky...they seem to go away..."

Most of the songs I write are mostly about feelings that i have felt. ie this song. and if anything...half or a lil less than half aren't about God. ie "farewell to goodbye" (not going to type out the lyrics to that one. if anything...go to itunes and get it. trust me. you'll love it...cause we all have been in that kinda situation before)

Ok, sorry for the A.D.D. moment. Back to what i was talking about.

We've all made mistakes. It's a part about being human. about being flesh and bone. I'm not perfect. Far from it. and you're not perfect. there was only one perfect man. and that was Jesus. and you know how i know that. well. we were all born into sin. sin equals death. just one of the things from bitting the apple. thanks adam and eve! (insert thumbs up here "___")

But while writting "Bright Mistakes", i thought of stars as my mistakes. those in the past. present. and future. and that song is basically a prayer. an honest prayer. for when we ask for forgiveness...the bible says.."I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins" Isaiah 43:25 He doesn't forget, but He chooses not to remember them. Why? His son, Jesus.

Sorry for the preaching there. but. Basically, the song is about letting go about past mistakes. let them fall. it's about God forgiving us of our sins. wiping them away. for we shouldn't worry about tomorrow. for we have enough to worry about today. tomorrow isn't promised.

and now since all that was said...

As some of you know. and that's a small amount...i would hope. and as most of all of you don't know. something might happen here sooner or later...that i have no control of. something cause of my stupid, selfish actions. Right now i will not go into detail. but. whoever might be reading this. I need your prayers. cause it effects...well...to be honest. my life. and the life of others. it's nothing over-the-top. like death or anything. but something that i don't want to take lightly. should of thought about all that @ the time being...but like i said...my selfishness.

I'm sorry for the long winded blog/preaching/lyrically based blog...(and i don't think that sentenced made any sence) but i hope you got something out of it.

i hope you get something out of all these stupid lil post i make. even if it's one sentence. i truly hope you do

Good Night All. and God Bless!

-Edwin <><

and the beauty of grace is...

that it makes life not fair...

"Less is More"

fell in love w/ that song all over again tonight. i've been on a relient k marathon. can't stop. my opinion. matt t. is the best lyricist to date. hands down.

too bad that song has nothing to do w/ what i want to talk about. maybe it does. who knows.

so i've come to the realization that i haven't been living the way i need to be. like. not the whole i've turned my back on God. or "taking the wrong road"

but. more of the whole "keeping things behind closed doors" kinda thing.

just the words that came out of my mouth. my thoughts. my actions. my way of living.

friday night i hung out w/ some people that i never met. and/or. haven't seen in a while. and honestly. i felt out of place. and what hurt the most. i shouldn't have. like. everything they were talking about. i couldn't add to it. cause. honestly. i didn't have anything. and it made me sick. to where my stomach felt tight. i don't know if they could of read my face. but. i was sad. cause i use to love conversation like that.

and now. it's like i had to kinda not be the person i have become here lately around them. being 2 different people.

i heard once that people adapt to their surroundings. that the people you hang around w/ will influence you. way is it that the bad always seems to out way the good? like. why can't we see the good instead of the bad? the beauty instead of the beast? the smiles instead of the insults? the truth instead of the lies?

i want to be more positive the negative. i want to be able to influence someone by my good actions. by not complaining. by not talking about someone. by. loving. caring. up-lifting.

by. just. being. like. christ. simple as that.

so. my door is open. i promise to be myself. around you. like i would be around my pastor. my mom. my lil brother. my future son/daughter.

i promise to be more uplifting. to find the good in everything and everyone

and i also promise that i'll have stories to share @ the dinner table next time we all get together.

and just incase you don't look up the song. @ least read it. maybe you'll get something out of it. maybe you won't

"Jesus, I pray
Take all my mistakes
Throw them away
Destroy them for my sake

Jesus, I call out 'cause I'm sorry
Because I fall so short of your glory
To the best of my ability
I'm practicing humility
And I lay myself before
'Cause less is more

~~~~~~~

Jesus, I plead
Please purify me
Make my heart clean
Drench me with your mercy
Jesus, I pray
I love you, I need you
For the rest of my days
I swear I will seek you
To the best of my ability
I'm practicing humility
And I lay myself before
'Cause less is more."

3 years and still alive...

so. half the year already has passed. crazy. just feels like new years was 2 weeks ago. glad it's not though.

it was full of worries. sadness. all the things opposite of a new year coming.

but. to the main point. today, august 16th, 2008, marks 3 years of being in tn. crazy again. around this time i was trying to sleep. thinking that when i wake, i will be in my car w/ my drums, computer, and whatever was in my closet. not knowing what was in store for me.

saying good-bye to mom while she was crying. (like she always does when i leave) i remember the night i told her i was moving here. we went to ihop. and she cried then too.

i said good-bye to mama. shannon. troy. zorro. (i said good-bye to must of my family and friends the night before)

now here i am. in my room. listening to relient k. troy asleep in my bed. my mustang in the ER.

man...alot has happened in the past 3 years.

i've learned alot. i've done alot. i've done so much that it just blows my mind. that i sometimes have to really sit down and slow down life a bit...and realize.....i am blessed.

i've recorded in amazing studios. in belmont studios. rca studio. dark horse studios. in someones garage studio. a studio where plus 1 and casting crowns(?) recorded a cd. i've been to different states w/ different bands and lead worship and rock concerts. i've heard people sing along @ their top of their lungs while the band stopped playing. i've played @ the christian showcase @ belmont. i've silenced a crowd of 500+ by just putting my finger to my lips. i've recorded demos for a artist that is now signed to sony records.

but most importantly...a kid was saved @ one of the opposed concerts. a kid that was watching some rock band...listening to our silly little songs...was touched enough for something to stir something inside of him. something that made him decide that he needed to change something. that something needed to change. and this was done @ one of my shows.

i could go on and on....and on....and on

but there is something, in this past year, that i have learned more than everything else...

and that's "love"...

it's taking me a while where i want to go w/ that. and honestly...i don't know.

i've learned that love is so complex

it involves so many things. time. trust. commitment. patience. taking account of another. and sometimes forgetting about myself.

it's more than saying "i love you". it's more than words. (as a song once said)

it's enduring pain when it's easy to take the easy way out.

it's showing a person in every way. in every second. in every breath. in every action. in every word. in every look. in everything that i do. that they mean more to me than my own well being. more than work. more than my dreams. my money.(which i don't have much of) my time. (which i have alot of)

someone once told me that i shouldn't let my heart override my mind. i definitely have that problem. but someone also told me, on the worst day of this year...they sent me this...

"I just wanted to tell you that you have an amazing heart and I hope you never lose it because it's what makes you you. I know that life gets hard sometimes, but your strength and your openess and your sense of humor and your amazing capacity for love brings out the very best in you. Take care Edwin, I wish you all the best."

i have no idea why that person sent me that. but the timing of that night was perfect. i needed that.

love is more than a physical act. it's emotions. it's heart. it's minds. it's experiences.

if someone was to ask me today if i were really "in love" 3..5..6 years ago, i would say no. don't get me wrong. i love my family. and my friends.

but this kinda love i've only felt once. but it's gone now. i ask myself if it was true. on my end. yes. i have no doubt that i it was. shoot. ask my mom. ask my friends. ask my enemies.

but it's gone now.

i have a promise ring that i wear on my left ring finger. a promise to whoever she is...that i'll wait to love her and her alone. that i'll be hers. body. mind. soul.

i promise to tell you everything. that i won't keep anything from you. i promise that whatever it takes, i'll do it. i won't let you down. i promise that i won't change a thing about me...but whatever change happens...it's for the best.

i promise you that i'll take care of you.

i'll even let you hold the remote control.

i told a friend once that i want to be so in love that when i'm older and my other half passes away, that i will follow shortly.

i think that's enough for tonight/morning. i am just typing away and i don't know if this even makes sense. shoot. most of my post dont...but hey....who reads this right?

well. i'm off to bed now. it's 3:45. troy is waiting on me. and so is my pillow.

good night

ps
and to be honest...i think i have met her

Gone Away

I think about life
And how it changes so fast
And how it's so hard to last here
Waiting for something to give

I think about time
A luxury so hard to find
And I just can't figure out why I
Wasted it all here without you

But I'll be fine
Oh don't you worry
Cause I'll be fine
See I'm in a hurry to be

Gone away awhile
Tell me all the things that I
I'll be missing here in this old life
Cause I just don't know

I think about you
And all of the times that we shared
And what a wonderful pair we
Made it so far here we go again

I think about love
And what a beautiful song
And oh how it needs to be sung here
Sing it so loud all the world can hear
I think I'll be

Gone away awhile
Tell me all the things that I
I'll be missing here in this old life
Cause I just don't know

I just don't know

But I'll be fine
Don't you worry
Cause I'll be fine
See I'm in no hurry
No I'll be fine
Don't you worry
Cause I'll be fine
See I'm in a hurry to be

Gone away awhile
Tell me all the things that I
I'll be missing here in this old life
Cause I just don't know

something you want to read

so. it's pass mid-night. it's the time where i usually do all my deep thinking.

or over thinking.

sunday, my church showed a video called "march of the unqualified".

it kinda hit home.

as i was watching it. i thought to myself "that's me..and...oh...that's me"

the video was basically showing all the people that God used to do his work. and it was kinda funny how this video was telling you some of the flaws these people had. and when i say "some" i mean some. cause most of them...well...all of them had more than one flaw.

it just got to me for many reason. not only did i see my flaws up there, but i thought to myself of how many christians look down upon people w/ flaws. having forgotten that they are not perfect. they haven't nor will they ever be. Only one man was. and Hes not walking this earth anymore.

that they forgot that they shouldn't judge. that they should remove the log out of their own eye before they try to remove the speck out of someone else's eye.(LUKE 6:37-41)

and by all means. i'm not perfect. im not claiming to be. i do claim to be a christian though.

and that brings up the question, "what does it mean to be christian?"

well, i googled (God Bless Google) "christian", "meaning of christian"....and some other stuff. but. what's that going to do. well. it gave me the meanings that other people had or thought of. so. i'm going to tell you what i think it mean. to me.

being a christian is, to me, is being ok w/ not being perfect. i was born to this world a sinner, right? and weren't you? He died for my sins. but i have to believe that. so i don't die a sinner. He wants me to make a choice. I've made it.

but i'm not perfect. i'm not proclaiming to be. sorry to break it to you.

now here's the video. you don't have to watch it. but. you should.



so. the video named alot of people.

from moses to david to paul.

but i did see my own name as well.

Jonah ran from God. i've done my share of running. and i might do it down the road too. it's easy to try and hide things rather then face the problem.

Jacob was a liar. i kinda laughed when i saw that one. why? i don't know. cause, maybe, like typing, i have to think of what i want to type. same thing goes before you speak. you have to think. you have to process it and then it comes out. why do you lie before we even speak it?

Noah got drunk. HA! oh boy. this one should be fun. so. to start this one off, i'm going to answer the question that is going through your mind. yes. i've been drunk before. it was a long LONG time ago. i don't drink anymore. why? do i think drinking is a sin? no. people in the good ole days w/ Jesus drank. i think the state of drunkenness is a sin. it's @ the point where you don't remember things. or actions. or words that were spoken. that's just my thought on it.

David had an affair. the man that is known as "a man after Gods own heart" had an affair. but you know what the video didn't say. the man after Gods own heart killed a man. he saw a woman from his rooftop and wanted her. he sent for her. had sex. and to have her as his own, david sent her husband to war and made sure he was on the front line. David, the man after Gods own heart lusted, had an affair, and murdered. (did i mention moses was a murderer too?) im not going to have a story like this.

Jeremiah was depressed......ALOT! ah. the first emo kid to be mentioned! EVER! in the history of man! i thought it was funny. anyways, this dude is known as the weeping prophet. i've had my days of being down. i wear my emotions on my sleeve. can't help it sometimes.

John the Baptist was just plain poor. don't have to say much there. i don't have much money. i don't know if i ever will. it does make me appreciate the things i have though. someone once said that it will be hard for a rich man to inherit the kingdom of God. well. if He is saying that money is the root of all evil. by all means, give me enough to give right back to bills and gas prices. yes. you read right. gas prices!

Lazarus was dead. this one is my fav. dude was dead. if Jesus was a gangsta, this is the way it would of said it in the bible. "yo, lazarus. fool! i'm talking to you, homie. i need you to do something for me. hey! you listen chump?!?! get up! like for realz. don't make me come in there! i just got these new kicks and i don't want them to get all nasty in that tomb you call a crib. now get out. let's roll out man. i'm hungry!" Lazarus comes out of the tomb. Jesus says "dude. you look like trash man. i can't be seen w/ you like that. let's go. before i put you back." ha!

Paul had a short fuse....and so did peter......and moses and so do you...and you....you....yes...even you! we all have our buttons that people push sometimes. shoot! i even have a button. but you can have a case over it. or make it hard to find. i try my best though not to get angry. i've been slacking the past couple of weeks cause of my car situation. and work. but. things happen for a reason. so i'm just trusting. and believing.

well. that's it.

you see. these guys aren't perfect. far from it. they were humans. just like me and you. and that's what i think we forget. that we are flesh. and the flesh is weak. i'm not saying we have the right to do whatever we please. that's not what i'm saying.

all i'm saying. don't be quick to judge. remember that we have our own flaws. and all we can do is strive to be perfect. and ask for forgiveness. cause it's there. waiting for us.

and remember. forgive each other as well.

don't know why i am doing this. took too long. started around 1130. it's 330 now.

that's it for tonight. i hope that everything i said made sense. if not. sorry. and there isn't alot of mis-spelled words. if so. sorry again. take care and God Bless!

- Edwin Rivera III
the imperfect christian
<><

ps
i miss you grandma. hope heaven threw you a big party when you got there. i know that all your pain and sickness is gone now. might of even gotten a little younger ;) i love you. thanks for everything mama. for taking care of me since day one. and never leaving my side. tell grandpa hello for me.

24

24 oceans
24 four skies
24 failures
24 tries
24 finds me
In 24th place
24 drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
24 hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was 24 ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

24 reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still 24 strong

See I'm not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
I am the second man now

And You're raising these 24 voices
With 24 hearts
With all of my symphonies
In 24 parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me now

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
24 voices
With 24 hearts
With all of my symphonies
In 24 parts.




I'm not copping out