3 years and still alive...

so. half the year already has passed. crazy. just feels like new years was 2 weeks ago. glad it's not though.

it was full of worries. sadness. all the things opposite of a new year coming.

but. to the main point. today, august 16th, 2008, marks 3 years of being in tn. crazy again. around this time i was trying to sleep. thinking that when i wake, i will be in my car w/ my drums, computer, and whatever was in my closet. not knowing what was in store for me.

saying good-bye to mom while she was crying. (like she always does when i leave) i remember the night i told her i was moving here. we went to ihop. and she cried then too.

i said good-bye to mama. shannon. troy. zorro. (i said good-bye to must of my family and friends the night before)

now here i am. in my room. listening to relient k. troy asleep in my bed. my mustang in the ER.

man...alot has happened in the past 3 years.

i've learned alot. i've done alot. i've done so much that it just blows my mind. that i sometimes have to really sit down and slow down life a bit...and realize.....i am blessed.

i've recorded in amazing studios. in belmont studios. rca studio. dark horse studios. in someones garage studio. a studio where plus 1 and casting crowns(?) recorded a cd. i've been to different states w/ different bands and lead worship and rock concerts. i've heard people sing along @ their top of their lungs while the band stopped playing. i've played @ the christian showcase @ belmont. i've silenced a crowd of 500+ by just putting my finger to my lips. i've recorded demos for a artist that is now signed to sony records.

but most importantly...a kid was saved @ one of the opposed concerts. a kid that was watching some rock band...listening to our silly little songs...was touched enough for something to stir something inside of him. something that made him decide that he needed to change something. that something needed to change. and this was done @ one of my shows.

i could go on and on....and on....and on

but there is something, in this past year, that i have learned more than everything else...

and that's "love"...

it's taking me a while where i want to go w/ that. and honestly...i don't know.

i've learned that love is so complex

it involves so many things. time. trust. commitment. patience. taking account of another. and sometimes forgetting about myself.

it's more than saying "i love you". it's more than words. (as a song once said)

it's enduring pain when it's easy to take the easy way out.

it's showing a person in every way. in every second. in every breath. in every action. in every word. in every look. in everything that i do. that they mean more to me than my own well being. more than work. more than my dreams. my money.(which i don't have much of) my time. (which i have alot of)

someone once told me that i shouldn't let my heart override my mind. i definitely have that problem. but someone also told me, on the worst day of this year...they sent me this...

"I just wanted to tell you that you have an amazing heart and I hope you never lose it because it's what makes you you. I know that life gets hard sometimes, but your strength and your openess and your sense of humor and your amazing capacity for love brings out the very best in you. Take care Edwin, I wish you all the best."

i have no idea why that person sent me that. but the timing of that night was perfect. i needed that.

love is more than a physical act. it's emotions. it's heart. it's minds. it's experiences.

if someone was to ask me today if i were really "in love" 3..5..6 years ago, i would say no. don't get me wrong. i love my family. and my friends.

but this kinda love i've only felt once. but it's gone now. i ask myself if it was true. on my end. yes. i have no doubt that i it was. shoot. ask my mom. ask my friends. ask my enemies.

but it's gone now.

i have a promise ring that i wear on my left ring finger. a promise to whoever she is...that i'll wait to love her and her alone. that i'll be hers. body. mind. soul.

i promise to tell you everything. that i won't keep anything from you. i promise that whatever it takes, i'll do it. i won't let you down. i promise that i won't change a thing about me...but whatever change happens...it's for the best.

i promise you that i'll take care of you.

i'll even let you hold the remote control.

i told a friend once that i want to be so in love that when i'm older and my other half passes away, that i will follow shortly.

i think that's enough for tonight/morning. i am just typing away and i don't know if this even makes sense. shoot. most of my post dont...but hey....who reads this right?

well. i'm off to bed now. it's 3:45. troy is waiting on me. and so is my pillow.

good night

ps
and to be honest...i think i have met her